Ok, ok, so I know they’d love to see me with a nice man in my life, but do those same friends, so happily absorbed in their own relationships, know what is out there in the on-line dating world when they try to convince me to give it a go?
Just have a look at those profiles! I mean, what sort of egocentric describes himself as “tall, dark and handsome” straight up? How do you take seriously someone who rabbits on about being intelligent and well educated, but clearly never mastered basic spelling or grammar? Then there’s the hopeful fellow who explains he functions best with a woman who is entirely submissive and undemanding. That’s before you start counting the men whose ideal partner is some 25 years their junior, advertising for a lady younger than his youngest child.
Faced with such a dubious smorgasbord of men, my curiosity led me to take a peek at the women’s profiles. Now that was an eye opener! The glamour photography business has evidently boomed with the whole internet dating scene. It must be something of a shock to actual meet some of these ladies minus the softly draped tulle and the airbrushed complexion. And if you are going to give your age as 50, you surely should avoid filling in the bit that states your youngest child is 36.
Who buys the C&W, rap, head banging and heavy metal music? Certainly not the mature citizens of our world – who feel compelled to stress that point, though I would have thought it self-evident if you are over 50-something. But, they all love walking on the beach and candle-lit dinners. Our beaches must be getting more and more crowded with hopeful singles, and I’m now trying to buy shares in a candle business.
However, who am I to judge? Maybe it all works and I should give it a try?
Ok, first up I need a pseudonym. How about Lamb Chop? There’s an irresistible meat market analogy here. Then I have to come up with a Headline – something guaranteed to make me stand out from the other 200,000 desperately seeking ladies.
I’m thinking “Comfortable at BBQs or dinner parties, versatile, can be saucy, tender with appropriate handling”. I could go so far as saying “definitely not mutton dressed as lamb”. Country of origin would naturally be New Zealand. The tough bit would be describing my ideal partner. Somehow “not fond of chipolatas” doesn’t quite cover it.