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Recycling the Life Cycle
What You Need to Know About Diet and Exercise
Bob Bought Cowboy Boots
Wit & Wisdom of Will Rogers
Rules of Life
What I Want in a Man


Recyling the Life Cycle

The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends.
I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time - and what do you get at the end of it?
Death.
What's that, a bonus?
I think the life cycle is all backwards.
You should start out dead. Get it out of the way.
You wake up in an old age home, feeling better every day.
You eventually get kicked out for being too healthy and go collect your pension.
When you're too young to be retired anymore, you get a job - and on your first day they give you a gold watch.
You work 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement.
You're promiscuous, you drink alcohol, you party - so you'll know all the pitfalls and can be more responsible when you get to high school.
You end high school as a freshman and get to make fun of all the seniors who are just starting.
You go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities.
You become a baby, and then get to spend your last nine months floating peacefully with all the luxuries of a five-star hotel - central heating, spa, room service on tap, and larger quarters every day.
And finally, you finish your life as an orgasm.

Doesn't this make more sense?

Attributed to comedian Sean Morey

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What You Need to Know About Diet and Exercise

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is that true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it. don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live linger. That's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism for delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop.

Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?

A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three categories: animal, mineral, and vegetable. WE all know that beer and wine are not animal, and they are not on the periodic table of elements, so that only leaves one thing, right? My advice: Have a burger and a beer and enjoy your liquid vegetables.

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is tow to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain ...Good.

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they are permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: What's the secret to healthy eating?

A: Thicker gravy.

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO ..Cocoa beans ..another vegetable!!! It's the best feel good food in the world.

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. Have a cookie ...flour is a veggie. One more thing. "When life hands you lemons, ask for a bottle of tequila and the salt."

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Bob Bought Cowboy Boots

Bob and Margaret were holidaying in Texas. Bob had always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots and here was his chance. Out for a stroll on his own, he found the perfect pair and wore them back to the hotel.

He walks in and says to Margaret, "Notice anything different about me?"

Margaret looks him over, "Nope."

Frustrated, he storms off to the bathroom, undresses and walks back into the room completely naked except for the new cowboy boots.

He asks her again, "Notice anything different about me?"

Margaret looks him over and says, "Bob, what's different? It was hanging down today. It was hanging down yesterday. It'll be hanging down tomorrow."

Furious, Bob yells at her, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT IS HANGING DOWN MARGARET?"

"Nope," she replies.

"IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKIN' AT ME NEW BOOTS!"

"Shoulda bought a hat, Bob. Should bought a hat."

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Wit & Wisdom of Will Rogers

Don't squat with your spurs on.

Good judgement comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgement.

Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.

If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.

If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.

After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

Never kick a chow chip on a hot day.

There's two theories to arguin' with a woman. Neither one works.

If you find yourself in a hole, the thing to do is to stop diggin'.

Never slap a man who's chewin' tobacco.

It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.

Always drink upstream from the herd.

When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don't be surprised if they learn their lesson.

When you're throwin' your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else.

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

There are three kinds of men. The one that learns by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves.

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Rules of Life

Never give yourself a haircut after three alcoholic beverages of any kind.

You need only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and it shouldn't, use duct tape.

The most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship are "I apologize" and "You are right."

Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm.

The best advice that your mother ever gave you was: "Go! You might meet somebody."

If he/she says that you are too good for him/her, believe them.

Learn to pick your battles. Ask yourself, "Will this matter one year from now? How about in one month? One week? One day?

Never pass up an opportunity to pee.

If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance.

Living well really is the best revenge. Being miserable because of a bad or former relationship just might mean that the other was person right about you.

Work is good, but it's not that important.

And finally: Be really nice to your friends and family. You never know when you are going to need them to bring you a bedpan.

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What I Want in a Man

Original List:

  1. Handsome.
  2. Charming.
  3. Financially successful.
  4. A caring listener.
  5. Witty.
  6. In good shape.
  7. Dresses with style.
  8. Appreciates finer things.
  9. Full of thoughtful surprises.
  10. An imaginative, romantic lover.

Revised List (age 42)

  1. Nice Looking.
  2. Opens car doors, holds chairs.
  3. Has enough money for a nice dinner.
  4. Listens more than he talks.
  5. Laughs at my jokes.
  6. Carries bags of groceries with ease.
  7. Owns at least one tie.
  8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal.
  9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries.
  10. Seeks romance at least once a week.

Revised List (age 52)

  1. Not too ugly.
  2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car.
  3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally.
  4. Nods head when I'm talking.
  5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes.
  6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture.
  7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach.
  8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids.
  9. Remebmers to put the toilet seat down.
  10. Shaves most weekends.

Revised List (age 62)

  1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed.
  2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public.
  3. Doesn't borrow money too often.
  4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting.
  5. Doesn't retell the same joke too many times.
  6. Is in good enough shape to get off the couch on weekends.
  7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear.
  8. Appreciates a good TV dinner.
  9. Remembers your name on occasion.
  10. Shaves some weekend.

Revised List (age 72)

  1. Doesn't scare small children.
  2. Remembers where the bathroom is.
  3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep.
  4. Only snores lightly when asleep.
  5. Remembers why he is laughing.
  6. Is in good enough shape to stand up all by himself.
  7. Usually wears some clothes.
  8. Likes soft foods.
  9. Remembers where he left his teeth.
  10. Remembers that it's the weekend.

Revised List (age 82)

  1. Breathing
  2. Doesn't miss the toilet.

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Attribution gladly given when the author is known